“Great people talk to themselves”, said one of my personas during my private talks with myself. Many who see me bet that I am crazy. I know I am and I am not just saying that, it is the truth; because while their opinions should have caused me to revert to more group talks or regular one on one dates, they have actually fanned the flame of open, thoughtful discourse with myself.
This pandemic particularly has literally brought peace in and around me. The streets are kinder, thanks to the wearing of masks that has most graciously allowed the ‘crazy’ ones like me to take our internal sotto to the streets without worrying about external ‘threats’ such as glaring eyes and loud whispers about how they witnessed a weird man or woman that seemed light-headed. So here is a recently written monologue before reversion back to sanity (even though speaking to oneself is really the greatest sanity of all).
When I was growing up, I heard a lot about the ‘crying stone’. It is a large gibber that miraculously balances on a column of rock with water flowing from the middle creating tracks of ‘tears’. I reckon vividly seeing it as a child on our escapades to rural Kenya to see my now late grandparents. But apparently the stone’s tears no longer flow. Rumor has it that climate changes may be a predominant factor affecting its emotions. I think about ‘ikhongo murwi’ as the locals call it (I learned this at my current age) and the more I visualize it, the more I cannot help but see aspects of life through it. How for many of us, we have adapted to the art of braving through storms with tears in our eyes. We smile while we cry. We shine while we cry. We succeed yet we still cry. We do not separate the tears from our joys, we purify our moments with them. We are strong, but still cry, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Today wearing a mask has become a mandatory discipline, but that is not the only mask people are wearing. As I muse over sketches of dialogues fitted into my schedule after well deserved monologues, I realize many of us are masks telling other masks how to wear masks. We have disguised many parts of ourselves to hide our realities in pride or fear that truth is too heavy a burden to bear; that understanding is far-fetched and that listening is a luxury. But just like these are adorned only for a period of time, no one can wear these masks for too long. We have home. Home is where the masks come off, and the normalcy of breathing freely is embraced. We strip ourselves of the appearances and wrap our arms around our true, authentic selves.
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| Image from: wallpaper-house.com |
You know what I’m learning? That being okay is varied. Being okay has taken on different versions for different people. To some, being okay is being at your best. But to others, strong as they may appear to be on the outside, being okay is being at your worst and acknowledging that truth rather than masking it. You are confident enough to say “This is where I am and this is what I am doing about it; this is how I feel, and this is what I am going to do about it. So no, okay is not just in the good times, you can be okay even in the bad times. To numb your reality is to prevent elevation spiritually. Our glory to glory is not a direct flight of stairs to heaven, sometimes it entails crawling through dark caves, where only you and God are. I am reminded of 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 in the message version that says this,
“So we are not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow.But the things we can’t see now will last forever.”
There is a pure character and integrity that can only be acquired when life threatens to take you out. Perhaps it is for us to learn that the word ‘okay’ goes beyond being a saying. Perhaps our ‘okay’ despite the hard times is God’s trust in us to go through the darkness well. 'Okay’ is the door that stands open with frames of calligraphed reminders of grace and strength. You have the capacity to shine particularly in dark spaces. You don’t have to feel it to believe it, trust it. That even now, you are ‘okay.’
And you know what else is true? Is that come what may, beloved, we are going to be okay.
©namwano
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