27:4 'RENAISSANCE'

It feels good to be free!

Free in the sense that whatever it was that was holding me back no longer has its hold on me. But my freedom has come with a sense of loss too. The kind of loss that I am not used to. You see losing is not really the issue, but being patient enough to wait on God for what He sees fit for me is the hardest bit. That includes purpose, godly company & ordained assignments. At this point in life, every decision is a destiny decision and so I cannot afford to take things lightly. Also how do you suddenly become bold when all you have ever known and mastered is living afraid? I figured, like a muscle, you exercise boldness. You keep working at it until it becomes less of a struggle and more of a lifestyle.

I started regaining my life to heal in anonymity. A few close friends were aware of my journey and kept a loving distance to allow my wounds some breathing space. After coming from a war between who I used to be and who I really am, I needed nothing to distract my journey. Now, there is no more pleasure in the pleasing, neither is there sweetness in surrender. But I am finding joy in evolving; in fact there is more joy in the inquiries-in the asking of good questions. There is pleasure in counting the cost before taking the risk.

As I write this, I strive to daily live my life in the present tense; it feels like an uphill trek on some days (I’m having to pray my way out of serious anxiety & doubt, so pray for me) and needs a whole gallon of ridiculous faith to hand-over my need to create, and surrender my future into the hands of the one who designed it. That, I abandon to his working, because God knows me best, and would give the best recommendation for His products.

A point in time comes when you are done! Done with being your version of you. It is called coming to the end of yourself-and at the end of yourself, there God begins. And you come back to God with your heart unrestrained; and in that restless vacuum that holds the power to choose your response to His truth, still afraid but totally surrendered, God steps in. I chose to put my hand to the plough, resolving to never look back (Luke 9:62) so long as His rod and His staff are right there comforting me. As instructed in Luke 9:62, “No procrastination. No backward looks. You can’t put God’s kingdom off till tomorrow. Seize the day.” (The Message Bible)

Becoming God’s original version of yourself when you have taken the form of everyone else can be messy. It will require vulnerability. It will require flexibility. It will require accountability. It will require a release of things and from people with whom you have learned to accommodate; but as you begin to appreciate your worth, you will notice that not everyone can afford your value. It does not mean you put yourself on sale, it means you add tax to your already added value.

The life that you live is never and should never be about making the things you selfishly want, to happen, but rather about knowing what God wants and wanting that for yourself too. That is the alignment that I needed. It takes a mind shift as well as an attitude shift.

And so now, I’m exercising my boldness by going about my days, declaring and believing, that “I will be in perfect peace, because my mind is stayed on Christ. Because I trust in Him. He is my everlasting strength.” Isaiah 26:3