It feels good to be free!
Free in the sense that whatever
it was that was holding me back no longer has its hold on me. But my freedom
has come with a sense of loss too. The kind of loss that I am not used to. You
see losing is not really the issue, but being patient enough to wait on God for
what He sees fit for me is the hardest bit. That includes purpose, godly
company & ordained assignments. At this point in life, every decision is a destiny decision and so I cannot afford
to take things lightly. Also how do you suddenly become bold when all you have
ever known and mastered is living afraid? I figured, like a muscle, you
exercise boldness. You keep working at it until it becomes less of a struggle
and more of a lifestyle.
I started regaining my life to
heal in anonymity. A few close friends were aware of my journey and kept a loving
distance to allow my wounds some breathing space. After coming from a war
between who I used to be and who I really am, I needed nothing to distract my
journey. Now, there is no more pleasure in the pleasing, neither is there
sweetness in surrender. But I am finding joy in evolving; in fact there is more
joy in the inquiries-in the asking of good questions. There is pleasure in
counting the cost before taking the risk.
As I write this, I strive to
daily live my life in the present tense; it feels like an uphill trek on some
days (I’m having to pray my way out of serious anxiety & doubt, so pray for
me) and needs a whole gallon of ridiculous faith to hand-over my need to create,
and surrender my future into the hands of the one who designed it. That, I
abandon to his working, because God knows me best, and would give the best
recommendation for His products.
A point in time comes when you
are done! Done with being your version of you. It is called coming to the end
of yourself-and at the end of yourself, there God begins. And you come back to
God with your heart unrestrained; and in that restless vacuum that holds the
power to choose your response to His truth, still afraid but totally
surrendered, God steps in. I chose to put my hand to the plough, resolving to
never look back (Luke 9:62) so long as His rod and His staff are right there
comforting me. As instructed in Luke 9:62, “No procrastination. No backward
looks. You can’t put God’s kingdom off till tomorrow. Seize the day.” (The
Message Bible)
Becoming God’s original version
of yourself when you have taken the form of everyone else can be messy. It will
require vulnerability. It will require flexibility. It will require
accountability. It will require a release of things and from people with whom you
have learned to accommodate; but as you begin to appreciate your worth, you
will notice that not everyone can afford your value. It does not mean you put
yourself on sale, it means you add tax to your already added value.
The life that you live is never
and should never be about making the things you selfishly want, to happen, but
rather about knowing what God wants and wanting that for yourself too. That is
the alignment that I needed. It takes a mind shift as well as an attitude
shift.
And so now, I’m exercising my
boldness by going about my days, declaring and believing, that “I will be in
perfect peace, because my mind is stayed on Christ. Because I trust in Him. He
is my everlasting strength.” Isaiah 26:3
I have been there and to some extent think am still struggling in some ways..This is truth at its core...Lets pray for each other dear
ReplyDeleteYes indeed! Keeping you and I in prayer. Thanks for reading!
DeleteI can relate with every single word you have written. God has a way of turning our story for His glory and our scar into our star.
ReplyDeleteAmen and amen! Thank you!
DeleteActually felt like you are writing down what my heart has been racing out to say...thumbs up👍
ReplyDeleteIt is well. Blessings and thank you so much!
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