It’s a cold world around me. The chills that sting my fragile skin, keep my conscience awake to the seemingly never ending war between the lonely and the content, the bitter and the sweet, the silence and the clamour and the dark corners of the soul verses the little sparks of bright hope that long to be shone. There’s a beauty that is desperately being searched for by many- I see it, I sense it, I can almost touch it with the palm of my hand; a beauty apparently so distinctive that many give the impression to have a vague description of, but for some reason do not own it. There’s 'a beauty’ that seems to be out there somewhere, even I I’m yet to see, what everyone seems to be chasing after.
Though with me lies inscriptions of ladies hearts on paper. Combined neatly and consistently outlining the recitation of lives they never thought they’d have until a period in time when it unfolded before their very eyes...
....................................................................................................
“... I got all the attention, for once in my life, I was noticeable. The image I had on, gave me a platform I had longed to receive, all I had to do was keep it up, ensure I brought my A-game with it and run with it as long as it existed. They gazed, they drooled... their eyes you could see where like those of hungry cats staring at chunks of meat all too ready to be devoured. I was warned though, that men are activated by what they see so it didn’t pretty much come as a surprise to me. I got what I wanted and so did they and I wasn’t going to trade that experience for nothing come what may.”
“Day after day”, she added, “there was something to look forward to. The world had offered me a free runway and strutting right across it became a natural discipline even when keeping up with its conditions seemed more exhausting than writing out procrastinated essays due in a few days time. Flirting was the in game; I played it though it left me dry. In search for something extra, that everybody else seemed to be okay with, I extended the boundary but later on broke it. And now, I can’t believe it’s over... I feel unlovable. Will no one ever love me?"
“I thought he loved me,” ... those are the words of a once self proclaimed woman of class, top notch status and unblemished reputation. She sits on the corner of her room, shooting her eyes directly to the roof, piercing through it you’d imagine it would split into two in the split of any second. The questions that fly across her mind taking rounds in it are many; hard to utter though forcefully hanging a painful lump in her throat hoping to pop out any second.
Tears run down freely from the eyes of this other lad, on a night where another beat down young lady and her squad would choose to suck it in and instead scream, shout and let it all out. There are many avenues of releasing pain; whether in the closet or as the life of the party, the choice lies in the mind of its carrier. Commonly though, they are all in search of something similar, a captivated beauty that would hide it all and make them feel brand new.
So the drinks trickle down, splash all around and the yells fill the room as the life of the party grinds away with any available man, offering the best means to forget her heartfelt sorrow.
“... I thought the grass was greener on the other side,” she said, “and quickly longed to go take a stroll through it. Run through the blades of the garden, lie down on the fresh, red sand and draw in a different ambience other than the usual that I knew. The redundancy of my life, made me sick. From home to school, school to home, home to church and church to home- the end. I loathed it in a search for something ‘better’, something more to life than just being the good girl next door.’ It did save me from quite a chunk but certainly made me more deprived and naive than fulfilled. Was I wrong to feel this way? I wondered. Some form of guilt kept making my heart throb even faster in its cage; nonetheless, I chose to put it in its place. It deserved to be controlled so as not to sway me away from my ambition to head into ‘greener pastures’. Little did I know that, that would be the beginning of a downward spiral into the darkest valley of my life journey.
“I” said yet another lad “was drawn to the loveliness of what I now compare to a serpent. His beauty outshone the hidden reality of its slimy covering and deadly venom. In usual circumstances, the touch of his skin ought to send a chilling effect down my spine; leave me dumfounded. But ironically, I was as hard as wood; carrying my so called self-confidence, now termed foolishness, to ludicrous altitudes all in the name of ‘love’.” Then now, I wonder, after all that I have done, will no one ever love me for me?”
“... I thought he loved me”, still that phrase is all too common as she analyzes all that she did, all that she said- to prove that statement contrary to what to it looked like now.
“It was the clothes I wore”, another added, “pieces of cloth to cover small quantity of flesh in the name of comfortability. Numb to the fact that God did not make commandments for my comfortability but my security. But that was who I was, and I loved it, or did I? Probably, I was looking for something. Yes, I was looking for something... Warmth, affection, love, assurance... Yes I was looking for something, belonging! I didn’t get much of it, though lately, it seems as though it’s not forthcoming. Does it really exist, or is it some sort of fantasy that appears in your mind, sprouting a desire that is never fully fulfilled? There’s something I know I need, but where to find it is a mystery yet to be unravelled...”
“I’ve never been happy with me,” one more added, “when I look in the mirror I hate what I see. Because the reality of the inside paints its rays right across it; I have no rainbow, just endless seasons of rain, with a merciless bow ever piercing its sorrowful arrows right through my heart, and consuming my once innocent mind. I hear voices, screams, yells night after night, haunting me of a stolen innocence. I feel a pain; a pain numbing me to the reality that it all happened, in a few seconds, but left an impact that is stamped to my memory for infinity. And still I wonder, after an encounter that left me robbed of my innocence, is there any beauty left for me?"
Two reasons I believe are the main reasons, why people refuse change are that first, they fear what they are about to lose, their state of ‘Being in Control’; for that is what holds them together in the first place. Their friends, the glitz and glam, their relationships, their fun life that made them hide the reality, are just but a few of the things people use to count the cost and worry that they may not be able to enjoy the life ahead if they are to change.
Secondly, I think its stubbornness. The line, “It’s my life, and I shall live it the way I want” is a widespread turn of phrase you hear every now and then. They are their own boss, laying down the rules of their life expecting the rest of the world around to ‘bow down’ to them if they are to cross the path into their kingdom. It’s a lie that has been smeared in the minds of many young people who feel that running their world is far more important than seeing things from a wider perspective. It’s a tactic mostly used for silent or out spoken revenge and the victim purposes to never have peace until they make the person or people who hurt them, feel how they do.
Is it a valid act? Is there really a beauty out there to be found? Could it be that like the above characters, you too are in search for ‘a beauty’ that will make you feel different and take away all the junk deposited within?
What if I told you, you have what you’re looking for? It’s not ‘a beauty’, there’s only one beauty-beauty is you...
Not all is lost, there’s something special and unique that lies within you... and that is exactly who you are and forever will be...
Join me in the next blog post (Part 2) as I explain more on the beauty that still exists within you...
©namwano
Comments
Post a Comment