27:7 'DEFINITION'

One of the greatest tragedies is going through life with someone for a lengthy period of time, only to be told, at the quest for clarity on who you are, that you were only but… a friend. Ouch!

I have been there, on a few occasions actually (story for another day) and to be honest, it broke me more than the first time, every time. But one thing I have learned is to take responsibility for my part of the ended waltz because it always takes two to tango. Responsibility for me means taking time out to evaluate my part in the problem and see how to rectify my attitude and behavior. I can’t say I learn my lesson well, sometimes I trip over, but I’m here to speak of improvements not perfection.

Life has taught me the importance of ‘definition,’ the necessity of defining things the moment they come into being. It could be a friendship, a relationship, a business plan, anything… you are required to define it from the start. A little research would reveal that the word ‘definition’ originates from the latin word ‘definire’ which means “to set bounds to.” Among the many meanings given in the Cambridge dictionary about the word ‘define’, these ones struck me; to define means “ to say what the meaning of something especially a word is; to explain and describe the meaning and exact limits of something.”

Definitions are little gifts given to us for clarity of direction and purpose. Without definitions you may experience the freedom to do what you want but it is the greatest platform for confusion and eventually hurt. Defining what you are to people from the beginning is not a restriction to enjoy good times; if anything it creates a necessary safe space to actually enjoy one another to the full. Definitions give freedom- they don’t limit it.

Part of iron sharpening iron entails reminding each other of the blue print of your friendship. The reality is none of us get it right all the time. At times we may be carried away by feelings and emotions, but to kerb them, there should always be a focal point to recalculate back to and put us back on the right road. Who we are and what we are about sets the foundation for what we receive. It is kind of like an unspoken pact between you and others. People can often tell what you are about and the expectations that come with it by knowing who you are from the start. When you present who you are to people, you will not need to do or say much about what you want; if anything you now by default have the responsibility to show and prove your authenticity by being consistent and committed to who you say you truly are. Phony people don’t last long in their flakiness; truth always wins.

Perhaps as we continue to journey through life, we need to become more intentional about definitions from the start. Who are you to me? Who are we? What are we? What does we being what we are entail? What is yours? What is mine? What is ours? What’s a yay and what’s a nay? The answers to these questions challenge us for the better, to be able to incorporate love and limits while extending grace and still stand for righteousness. I read something the other day that resonated well with me, that “When things are properly defined, we often realize we are in the same boat & stop fighting one another.” (Ernest and Waturi Wamboye, Baesics, pg. 9)

The thing is your definitions will be tested to see if they were really understood first and foremost by you. Are you really aware of the very thing you have defined and its implication to you and to others? Or do you live passively? Each of us has the power to choose who to have around us and the motivation behind our choice should be first and foremost to bring glory to God in the way we relate with one another.

Take time I beseech you, to analyze your friendships and honestly define each of them. Set boundaries and hold people accountable. As Dr. Henry Cloud puts it, and I paraphrase, “Require responsibility from each other. If we do not require responsibility and forgive, we will be held responsible for the lack of confrontation as well as the lack of forgiveness.” But you can only do so, if you let go of the assumption of who people are supposed to be and embrace who they really are. Definitions set the boundary, and stronger boundaries shorten time and space for toxicity. With God helping you, you should be able to map out in a clear and convincing way who is good for you and who is not.

Please keep this in mind, that your consistency in defining friendships and relationships may earn you a masters in disappointing and upsetting some people. There are those you will hurt and probably you too will be hurt given your time and investment in them. It will not be easy, but we are not called to do what is easy, we are called to do what is right and holy. The essence of life lies in your capacity to reflect your values and greatest godly desires.

Your future depends greatly on the people you keep around you. Define them and see your life change, for the better.