27:2 'CROWNS'

She was a strange kind of beautiful. But I was yet to see what lay beneath. She had some sort of enchantment to herself that imprudent men fled from but loped back to when it was far too late. I liked her. In fact I envied her a lot. She embodied a paradox that I craved to own. She was committed yet unperturbed at the same time; social yet a lone wolf (this was my favorite piece of her persona). These characteristics drew me to her, but not for the right reasons. I saw in her what I ought to have been seeing in myself all along. You see when the image of someone thriving at being a replica is presented with such grandeur glam, it does not occur to you that you are admiring their counterfeit. All you desire to be is like them; even when becoming like them costs you both your dignity and sometimes self-respect.

A God-girl without a strong foundation pertaining to her identity will often chase after anything that works for others other than herself. Even with the knowledge that all that glitters is not gold, the need to become like, or belong to someone erodes the authentic you. Sooner than later, because you did not have something to stand for, you end up falling for anything.

I never wanted to walk alone. I wanted to be a part of something; not necessarily grand but something. I read the books she read; I watched the movies she watched; I sang the songs she sang (secretly but word for word). I could not keep up with her Kardashian fashion though; if silver and gold had I in plenty, I would have.  Nonetheless God knew this whole identity theft would ruin me on a whole other unrecoverable level. So I was being me by name, but a player of another person’s game. We often lose ourselves while chasing after other people’s counterfeits. She was not the only girl, there were several.

Friendships today are vital in building who we are as individuals, but if the friendship you are in causes you to shrink who you are in order for the other person to be comfortable, then you do yourself and those connected to the real you a disservice. My mission to somehow woo her into the fold did not take place easily. While trying to change her (BIG MISTAKE) into my idea of who I thought she should be, I was actually becoming more like her… and losing pieces of me in the process. I had slowly become desensitized to the product of my dismissal of the real me. Christ lost his appeal because I had lost appeal in me. You see when you know God you get to know yourself. In finding Christ, you find and accept yourself. The potter not only knows the pot, but the clay He used to create it. And sometimes, that clay needs to be pulled apart and remodeled to perfection.

God was yet to uncover dimensions of myself that I never knew existed. He wanted to show me who I really was and not who I got comfortable being. He was out to take me out of my comfort zone and lead me with His voice whilst protecting me with His hand. The interesting thing to always remember, is that when God decides to speak about any matter concerning your life, He will often do so in the context of relationships. Your friends (whether or not they should be in your life at the moment) are instruments that God will use to speak truth that you will use, to make a choice to obey or to sacrifice.

I had tampered with my image, and I knew as well as God did that it would not last long. My pride kept me from surrender, my fear kept me from release and my insecurity kept me from the vitality and nourishment that being the ‘real me’ would bring. And so rather than choose me, I chose her. Rather than choose God, I chose her; the parts of her that I felt would look best on me. I did not have to be her, I just had to take some parts of her guise and lifestyle for myself, and that would be okay. Okay with me, but not okay with God, because “God blesses who you are not who you pretend to be” -Pastor. Mike Todd.

We often neglect the crown bestowed upon us as women of God, not because of its weight but because we are too busy trying to analyze the diamonds on another. We think that their pebbles shine better than ours do, so we spend time seeing which best fits our crown and try and fix it in ours. We figure somewhere along the way, that the pebble did not quite fit and the crowns we have disfigured, hang for dear life while misplaced on our heads.

My crown was perfect, it had been perfect for me all along, but I did not realize it until God brought yet another person along… him…