COULD IT BE?

Remember the agreement I had made with fear? Yes, it was powerful jotting it down; and I was confident that this energizing moment would revolutionize my life for good. Little did I know that just because I had made a pact, did not mean I would automatically be immune to the fear. Yes, fear could not stay, but my reality brought to the surface that from a distance, fear was waiting on me to come back and get as comfortable as it was before. It was cold outside of me, and the thing with fear, is that it is never really settled on the outside, because you can see it. But once it finds its way to the inner most parts of you, then it knows it has won. 

But I have known this kind of space. It is called transition. It is a process that is packed with expectation, anxiety, excitement and sometimes gloom over what you are about to lose- that is transition for you. And because I forced fear to make an exit, I then made room for God and faith to make an entry. He was not just coming in to sight see, but He was working on the inside to bring me out- and out I came! 

The beauty though about this entire process is the conviction that I was never alone. He would be present to instruct, guide and lead on the who, when, where and how of every person I came into contact with. Previously, I would have leaned on my own understanding on how to deal with people and I probably left them worse or worst still took the glory for their success-(P.S. God is a jealous God my friend, don’t push Him.) But now, I had handed over my power to the master friend to teach me this this thing called relationship which essentially required friendship for a start. He had told me that He’d never leave (Deuteronomy 31:6) and I felt it, even as I traversed the streets full of ordinary people that I thought perhaps, God was working on too.

There was no red carpet rolled out for me as I walked into open ‘friend zones’. I didn’t expect one anyway (and do not expect one either), because of my preconceived mentality of people. I had to learn, that sometimes God calls us to walk alone and other times He calls us to step out and reach out to others. Knowing when to do either of the two requires an intimate relationship with Him. Because as you abide with Him, He will show you, even as you are growing together with others, the branches that bear less fruit that will eventually be cut off (John 15). He has his way and timing for pruning. But it is important to know when and with whom He wants to do this with.

Different seasons call for different wisdom from the same God through different people. When you walk with God closely, He may reveal people with whom you will;

1.         Either grow and keep boundaries with, or

2.         Let go of without burning bridges.

The above were lessons I learned, in not so pretty instances. I had already embraced how to love myself, but the command to love my neighbor as I love myself gradually felt like a tall order, because of insecurities that were still too heavy a burden to bare. So out I was in the mix with regular people, doing my best to reach out and at the same time create and build healthy relationships. On the up side I was confident that I would find a few people to create a healthy friendships with. On the downside, fear had been keeping an eye on me, and I wondered why. Why would I still be experiencing fear while scaling up the ladder of friendship? 

 

Could it be that it was not really the fear of people that crippled me, but rather … the fear of myself?