SUCCESS TO FRIENDSHIP

I have known compassion and kindness. I have known moments of great joy and enjoyed the company of folks I never thought I would be synonymous with. I know what it means to celebrate others and to be celebrated too. I have enjoyed the sweet fruits of authenticity and unraveled the worlds of some people thought to be too complicated to ever understand.

Nonetheless I have had occasions where I was forced to swallow the bitter pill of betrayal. 

I have known degrees of pain that come from disloyalty; shades of emotions that collide, fuse, magnify and finally explode when coming to the end of myself. They are familiar to the human kind as there is nothing new under the sun- nothing that is not common to man; but to me, they were unique for this particular time and season, for maturity’s sake.

And then I know what it means to take the residue of your investment of time, care, energy and love and walk away. I reiterate the sentiments of A.G. who wrote, “I am learning to love the sound of my feet walking away from things not meant for me”.

I never knew how important my friendships were until I had to prayerfully evaluate them. I say prayerfully because not many of us (my self-included), take the time to pray over the bonds we share in the different communities we are in. Only when things start to take a turn for the worst between two people or more, do we refer back to God to get clarity on where things went wrong and what next. We work so hard to try and snuff out the pain that would emerge from breaking connections that have taken what feels like forever and a day to build.

Over the years, my friendships have never quite lasted too long, except for probably one or two. Titles such as “pastors /missionary kid” do not quite get you a loyal fan base per say. Crowds sometimes get too overwhelming, and having a defined way of living by society does not make it easy making and keeping friends. Nevertheless, I have still managed to have meaningful relationships in my life. Thankfully, some still exist to date. But while being immersed in different cultures, I have had to grow up and make deliberate and sometimes painful decisions about people I have encountered in my life. 

We can all be a friend to somebody, but not everybody deserves a first row sit on the table of your life, for the rest of your life. You have to be careful to know, which person is for which season and who is with you to stay for almost forever and a day. Was it easy letting go? Of course not, and it was never meant to be so, if you genuinely cared about those within your circle of friends. I don’t think there is any protocol for breaking a friendship. No one ever quite plans at the beginning how to handle the friendship if it is to fail. If anything, we fight to maintain them rather than face realities of having to walk out of them. Somehow we imagine ourselves to receive pots of gold at the end of every friendship rainbow, but a misunderstanding that seems irreparable takes place, and unfortunately for some, you simply have to give the boot (or they do so to you). Your paths may cross, but unlike other times, you simply greet each other like ‘perfect strangers’ and honestly, you may feel wounded all over again.

We live in a world full of exits. If you take a closer look, you will recognize that time and again, it is not the exit that we mourn over, but the manner in which the exit was done, that has us grieving in ways that are hard to articulate. Pain becomes indescribable, and the residue left inside seems difficult to get rid of. But we must purpose, to allow ourselves to have the pain of the exits build us rather than break us. We must purpose to avail ourselves to God alone to use the hurt in a way that will make us better and not bitter. Exits may be nasty, how they are done may be probably inconsiderate and inhuman-but once they happen, let us find it in ourselves, to accept the situation, forgive the individual (s) and move forward in faith that it was all for our good! It will get better, maybe not today, but someday soon.

I have a few lessons I can share about friendships from the experiences that I have encountered;

Reconcile

In reconciliation, it is not a matter of deciding who between you and the other person makes the apology. It is your responsibility to live up to the directives given to you, by Jesus, to go and make peace with the other person. Romans 12:17 warns us, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Carefully consider what is right in the eyes of everybody.” The truth is, God is watching us, and so are His people. Whether saved or unsaved, the world knows what is good. Our actions and responses should not be done to please mankind. They are all supposed to be aimed at living a godly life that “those around us may see and glorify the Father in Heaven (Matt. 5:16).  The Holy Spirit is needed if we are not to give in to the raging desire to inflict hurt on the friends that we choose to separate ourselves from. 

Verse 18 goes on to say this, “If it is possible, so far as it depends with you, be at peace with all men.” There is the “power of one” that is seen to be advocated for here-a sense of responsibility for oneself. You may not be responsible for another person’s behavior, but you are surely responsible for your own. Peace should be part and parcel of your life. Though the end may not include walking, growing and being together, your greatest desire should be to preserve peace in your friendships and relationships. We do not reconcile for others, neither do we greatly reconcile for ourselves, we reconcile because of the love that we have for God. Therefore because you love God, and this is what He would have you do, you choose to reconcile with others. The glory therefore goes to God. 

Evaluate

A person’s choice to dismiss or disengage from you does not define who you are. Your choice to disengage from what and who is not good for you does not make you a bad person either. Your identity still remains intact for as long as Christ shall be on the throne. The identity that Christ gives you influences your attitude and your ability to discern right from wrong. Be keen on habits and behaviors that would easily interfere with your personal growth spiritually, emotionally and intellectually.

You could ask yourself questions such as these; what is my contribution to my networks, clan, ‘squad’, family? Who do people say I am? Who does God say I am? Do these people remind, encourage and challenge me to be all God wants me to be? When my name is mentioned in my absence, what ambience is set? Am I a builder or a destroyer? Am I jealous or envious of others? Do I harbor bitterness over others after separating myself from them? Am I mature enough to accept correction and be open to give it as well? Is there transparency in my friendships and relationships? Do I speak well of others, even when they are not with me? Am I bold enough to speak the truth in love, or do I hide and let sin win? Am I patient with my family or is self-control something I need to cultivate? And finally, what does God desire or require of me in my friendships and relationships? These are just but a few of some of the questions that can help in your prayerful evaluation. As you engage with God, and also seek honest opinions from your circle of friends, you will be able to know where, what and how to make changes (if need be) concerning the people around you.

Make Friends… this time, WITH GOD!

You may never have thought of it this way, but God is actually concerned about the kind of company that you keep (Prov. 13:20; 22:24-25; 12:26; 1 Cor. 15:33). Friends are a gift, and the Bible tells us that every good and perfect gift comes from God (James 1:17). Take time to ask God to choose your friends for you. Ask Him for people that challenge you with the truth rather than flatter you with lies. Ask Him for friends that will lead you to Him. 

There is the act (and responsibility) of internalizing the truths from God’s word about friendships and relationships that makes even His character evident through us, when we relate with others. It is important that we continually saturate our minds with His word to be able to act accordingly when it comes to making and building bonds in our lives. Our attitudes, feelings, mind-sets and behaviors can easily reflect our obedience (or lack of it) to God’s word. This takes me back to the beginning of Romans 12 which urges us to “be transformed by renewing our minds”. Further on, it gives us the result of this which is the ability to “test and approve” God’s good and perfect will. Even in our friendships, God has a plan.

Right friendships especially in the Christian context are to direct each other to Christ. They are to challenge you to be more Christ like. It is what Proverbs 27:17 calls “iron sharpening iron”. Another word for sharpening that I love is the word ‘improving’. The moment you realize you are in a friendship that does not improve your well-being, it is time to take the stand and respectfully distance yourself. 

Keep on loving

Our natural dispensation does not love easily, it is only when love is poured out on us by God that we are able to love. Colossians 3:12-14 calls us to “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony”.

Surrender those who are giving you trouble to the Lord. We need to be the kind of people that are willing to obey the commandment of love without question. The only way that can happen is when we experience God’s love in our lives. He fills us up to the overflow that we may give it out to the rest of those around us. Take time to be deliberate with your love. Christ didn’t love scantily and neither should you. It is time to be different. It is time to be different deliberately. It is time to be different deliberately for the One who was and still is deliberate about His love for us. Will you be among those who choose to love?

I hope so.

©namwano