YOU CAN'T STAY

 “I decided to take note of patterns because patterns never lie. If I could change my patterns then I could change my life.”

In my previous post, I shared mechanisms I’ve previously used to tolerate sin. The feedback from the post had me dig even deeper and evaluate my lifestyle, my patterns and habits in the light of eternity.

Let me fill you in on the biggest lie I have believed- that I can do life alone!

The thought of appearing or embracing my need for help (even when I desperately need it) makes me cringe. Because I am a woman that would prefer to watch humanity tremble at my roar, envisioning my groaning and presenting my vulnerability is an attack on my manifested confidence-or is it simply pride? Yes, that is it- my pride; this puffed up attitude that I can do it all (bad and good) by myself.

 

God has wired each of us to be dependent on each other. I can prove this to be true, by constantly evaluating what I say to and about myself. The mumbling that has been ongoing for years about the lack of support I get from the people around me was an indication that I had missed God’s way of doing friendships and relationships. Naturally, I am an introvert, but I can be the life of the party if I choose to be (I know some of my friends in my circle who are reading this & conquering more with the life of the party than the cool, calm, petit and collected madam at the corner of a coffee store with her book, her tea and her Lord…haha)

But even in the pursuit of finding who I really am, I avoid being open and transparent about the struggles of my life. I’d rather be silent and isolated because I’ve built an ongoing romance with my own company. Interestingly though, I am constantly seeking out a distraction (s). It could be an event, a person, a feeling-just something that wouldn’t project my need for help, you know? A little bit of noise to keep me floating above the level of survival.

But you know the thing that lies beneath the pride? A whole lot of fear. Yes, I am afraid; not of what I am about to let go of, but the possibility and reality that it will take a lot from me to receive all the good that lies in wait for me. I am afraid of the exposure- yet without it, I cannot lay aside the weights within me. I am afraid of rejection- yet without it, I will never really know, that love, and true love at that, will always protect you & is never unsure. I am afraid of time – yet without it, I will never embrace opportunities to create dreams into reality. I am afraid of the intensity of my flaws – yet without them, the rhythm of my life will be redundant and the essence of my being will be counterfeit.

But I recently made a pact with my fear;

Dear Fear, you can’t stay.

I have believed way to long that I have to fix myself up to present an image for a people whose metre of perfection is constantly being changed. There has been and will continue to be a voice that calls out in my wilderness, pursing me with a reckless love, that I hope I will warmly embrace. If He (God) says I have life in abundance, then surely there must be something in me that I can do, for the rest of my life, to leave the world better than I found it. And I cannot afford to operate in the realms of my fears any longer while missing the opportunity of a lifetime to be of substance with the maker of heaven and earth.

I choose trust over doubt and refuse to talk myself out of becoming a better me. Perfection may be far-fetched but excellence is within reach. I choose to believe that weakness can be learned from too, but experiences shared by others by far prevents a legacy of detrimental cycles.

There’s a lot to miss out in pursuit of godliness-but perhaps you don’t really lose at all, but rather gain that which you need. It could be just one thing, and that is God himself. Once you have Him, He can be and will be everything you need Him to be. I am out to leave certain rhythms and patterns behind in desperate pursuit for what God has for me. But I realize, I cannot do this on my own-nobody can.

Each of us is responsible for reaching out and surrounding ourselves with someone/people that are for them. These people, though regular & far from perfect are the ones who can motivate you, fire you up, encourage you as well as challenge you to be better. They are the cheerleaders whether or not you’re leading in the race. You need people that build you up. People that will feed you not people who will feed on you. Do not be insulted though when people critic your moves. A wise person evaluates criticism and filters what is necessary for them. They also invite rebuke in love, understanding the lifestyle of iron sharpening iron. To develop and grow, you sometimes need to hear raw truths rather than true lies.

There’s an endless struggle in accepting greatness for what it is when weaknesses tend to feel more real. I sometimes get comfortable just being good, yet it is evident that I can be better-actually I can be the best. But it does not change who I am. If anything I absolutely love who I am. It’s true, I have flaws, I have mishaps, I have faults, but I don't reject me, I love me fully. For if I don't love me totally I can't love nobody. It would be good for me though, for us, if you could understand what I have to go through rather than for you to add more to a bleeding wound. Be a light to me that I'd rejoice in its brilliance. Be salt to me so I may heal of my own hurt and pain.

 

I am going to take a chance on you, on us- I’m taking a chance on doing friendship and relationships God’s way; extending love and making room for grace, being open to trust and willing to forgive, being kind and generous while joyful in every season and making time to fellowship so that each of us is continually becoming better and eventually the best we can ever be for God’s glory.

Will you join me? Grow with me, 

Say this to the fear of people that has held you captive… you can’t stay! 

©namwano